"Do You Know a Cure for Me?"

"Do you know a cure for me?"
"Why yes," he said, " I know a cure for everything. Salt water."
"Salt water?" I asked him.
"Yes," he said, "in one way or the other. Sweat, or tears, or the salt sea."
(Karen Blixen)

I truly believe that sometimes my greatest strength dwells within my ability to surrender to my greatest weaknesses and fears. I have taught myself to feel safe while melting into my vulnerability though I've also learned that you have to be careful who you share that part of yourself with. . . perhaps the key to sharing these intimacies is just that: share it. Don't make it someone else's responsibility to fix your weakness, to expel your fears, or to become your hero. That is often very uncomfortable for the other person, and most of us are not trained to know how to properly handle the gray wet claylike emotions that emerge from the pits of another person's soul. One reason I am a strong advocate of therapy. I wonder if there are therapists who deal with specifically pregnant women?

To be honest there are moments while waiting for Bruno to show signs of labor that remind me of how I felt in high school, sitting by the phone on my bed wondering if the boy I had a crush on was going to call me. Though in high school I didn't have the same level of emotional strength I have now. Those waiting by the phone days (when we didn't have cell phones) was truly painful.

But I think every pregnant woman can relate. We know it's going to happen soon. Our lives are on hold for the magic moment, now all we need is the magic bullet. Perhaps this is the reason why induction has become so common and mainstream. It is literally the magic bullet, the one thing a doctor has up its sleeve to play god and actually have any control - and though I am not against induction when used in the proper circumstances - in my humble experience thus far as an expectant mother I think we should use these soul searching vulnerable moments as just that - soul searching - let your shit come out, who knows, this might help baby come out too.

I've scoured the internet reading everything about those last weeks of due dates, past due dates, induction, natural induction etc . . . I myself am drinking red raspberry leaf tea, taking primrose oil, making love, doing squats, taking walks, and yes, I'm showing signs of oncoming labor - my mucus plug has dropped, I've had blood spotting, I'm getting minor contractions - and my feelings always come back to the same premise: birth is like dying - without any direct medical intervention - it is something that happens on its own clock, in its own magical or even tragic way. There is something about these two major life events that exist to remind us something about our own souls and selves, to remind us about our life in this world. Maybe we should take this time to worry less and listen deeper.

We'll see if I still feel the same way tomorrow after my doctor's appointment. It is now the time when they start monitoring the baby and turning up the fear pressure.  But today . . . I choose peace and calm.