I'm still in a state of emotional shock from the amount of energy it took from me to give birth to Bruno and the immensity of love for him and my husband I am feeling now after the birth. I must admit that for how hard I fought to have a natural birth and avoid an unnecessary c-section, after 30 hours into the labor, and many shift changes of nurses, midwives, and doctors, if anyone, even the cleaning lady had suggested, "I think a c-section is necessary to get this baby out of you," I would have raised even my right hand in agreement and said, "sounds great." Like my mid-wife always warned me, the hardest part about labor is exhaustion and everything about Bruno's birth, from every stage of cervix dilation that typically lasts an hour per centimeter, lasted three for me. At hour 30 I still had no idea if there was an end in sight in that same day and it was only around 10 a.m. I couldn't possibly imagine enduring Bruno not being born that night. I'm so happy, so happy that I didn't cave in and that this potential was strategized against ahead of time. I had met a woman in my eighth month of pregnancy who had had natural birth with a midwife and I had asked her what one thing made the difference for her in getting through the experience. She said "my midwife and writing in my birth plan that no one ask me if I want to take any drugs, or tell me that this would be my last chance for the epidural. I would have taken it," she said.
I now understand more why women don't really talk about their birth. Once the baby arrives you have so many other more important challenges to face and if it was anything like my experience it is the most overwhelming and yet absolutely amazing and powerful moment you'll ever experience in your life. It's difficult to talk about. I will never ever forget being in the thick of it after having decided with my midwife 26 hours into labor, after my contractions had started to slow down instead of increase, and the sun had just started to rise which threatened a further delay of contractions (for some reason daylight and birth don't usually harmonize) that now might be the moment we had talked about where taking Pitocin, a contraction inducer, could be THE thing to help move this birth to the next stage. I quickly agreed but asked first, "will I feel it as a drug in my body?"
"No, you won't feel anything, but it will increase your contractions and block your natural hormones that help you through the contractions." I'm not sure if she added that last part in that exact moment, she might have waited to tell me that, but in the end, though maybe not then, I am happy that no one asked me if I wanted an epidural with the Pitocin.
After taking Pitocin, synthetic oxytocin, I now truly agree with why I never wanted to start birth with it and still have a drug free labor -- it just kicks the whole contraction thing into a complete race car gear. Contractions that naturally come, roll in and peak at about 30 seconds and like a crescendo fall right back down over the next 20-30 seconds. The midwives and nurses constantly worked me through every contraction telling me, "climb that hill, you're almost at the top. You are stronger than it. You can do it." When the Pitocin started kicking in stronger and stronger as the dosage gradually raised, these one minute contractions would stream right into the next and perhaps have three rises/peaks without the fall, lasting three plus minutes. Sometimes when this happened my midwife would just remain quiet as I howled and groaned through them with her advice "drop your shoulders. Let it pass through you. Don't tense up. These are softening your cervix. It's pushing your baby down. Surrender to it."
Surrendering to a Pitocin induced contraction is completely counterintuitive. I moved through a variety of different positions, sometimes laying on my left side, the "magic side," they said, or sometimes on my hands and knees, and my favorite was standing and wrapping my arms around my husband's neck, thinking how grateful I was that he was tall, and how amazing it was to have him there throughout every second. I drank water constantly, and constantly had to urinate, which was a love/hate relationship because by the time I walked to the toilet with my husband trailing me with the attached IVs, I knew another contraction would come either while sitting down on the toilet or rising back up. It was a race to use the toilet before the contraction hit so I could rise up against my husband to pass through them.
I wouldn't have been able to have a forty hour labor if Bruno's heartbeat wasn't as strong as it was during the whole labor. Regardless, hours after the Pitocin, the doctor wanted to break my waters because I still wasn't progressing fast enough. Eventually perhaps at hour thirty I was ready to agree with anything. But the breaking of my waters did seem to help take labor into the next stage. They found a light meconium (baby poop) discharge in my waters, "not dark enough to cause serious worry," the doctor said, but the fact that it was there meant this birth had to progress. Luckily it did and I started to finally feel the transition into where it felt like I needed to take a shit - and that is an understatement.
This was the dream come true. I was fully dilated and it was time to push Baby Bruno out. As everyone got in position, me with my knees bent ready to grab each leg at a different angle, I first rejoiced at how finally the moment had come where I no longer had to surrender but to take charge and have some control and just push that baby out as hard as I could. My midwife had warned me, "when the doctors tell you to push hard, don't listen, you need to breathe through the pushing so as not to tear yourself." However, Bruno, who's heartbeat was so strong during the labor, dropped almost in half whenever I would push. The doctor looked at me and said, "this is not a suggestion. I'm telling you that you need to push this baby out of you as fast as you can." I looked to my midwife, who nodded her head in agreement and said, "just push as hard as you can." This was music to my ears. I couldn't believe this birth would really be over. I must have pushed that baby out with five or six contractions which spanned in perhaps less than an hour. They brought a mirror for me to watch which helped because once I could see his head crowning I had energy surging through me like wonder woman, I just kept pushing and pushing and pushing until this huge head came out of me and everyone started directing me, "Catch him. Grab him. Move you hands and catch him." And in seconds he was warm and pulsing on my chest and in my arms.
How can I write it all? I can't. I couldn't have done this without my midwife who was there for me through basically every contraction telling me I could do it, even when I wasn't sure I could. I couldn't have done this without my husband whose love and support by my side through forty hours of labor made a world of a difference. I couldn't have done it without so many factors, and the one thing I will continuously return to is the importance of educating yourself about labor and birth. Don't leave it to luck or completely in the doctor's hands. It made an incredible difference that I had already understood the different paths a birth could take, that I understood the different options the doctors would give me, that it wasn't all just new information coupled with the most intense and new experience of my life. In the end I am happy I had a balance between a midwife and the hospital. I got to stay as close to course as my birth plan had asked for, but I also needed some intervention which in the end I am grateful for.
Baby Bruno and I left the hospital less than 24 hours later, both super healthy and tired . . . and now the real hard stuff begins. I see it already. I never imagined something as silly as changing a diaper or putting on a onesie could create so much worry in me - it's absolutely terrifying when you hear your baby cry or feel discomfort. My childbirth fears have dissipated and now every living second trying to make sure you baby is growing healthy and strong takes over you as if the YOU you always were, had never even existed.
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