What I Wish I Had Been Prepared For

 
   
    I used to think wine connected people of all different backgrounds, but now I'm realizing that babies and children are a whole other level and whole other world that I had never entered before. I was never interested until I had my own. And there's so much to talk about, so much to relate to, so much to empathize with.
    What I have been discovering is that I was so prepared for having natural birth but I wasn't prepared for having a baby. You'd think you could just instinctively pick up a baby and live life, and in some ways you can - but like natural birth, if you have a better understanding of what to expect and physically, mentally, and spiritually be prepared for, it's not so difficult.
    Here's what I wish I had been prepared for:

• that postpartum anything is hard shit, not because psychologically I wasn't prepared for a baby, but because there are hormones from hell that seem to rise up from the dead and grab hold of you and make you feel like a day of living was a tempest to weather through. And your husband can't save you. Most likely he's experiencing some of his own postpartum hormones and will feel even more overwhelmed when you lose your shit. If I had truly anticipated that these hormones could affect me so strongly I might have been more open to letting them pass through me and just sit in bed and surrender.
• I wasn't prepared for truly being physically incapable of doing almost nothing other than breastfeeding, eating, and sleeping for two whole weeks. I've never been disabled by anything before, never had a broken anything, never spent time in the hospital for anything. My first stitches were the few I had from pushing Bruno out of me. If I had truly anticipated this, in addition to fucked up hormones, my first two weeks of recovery would have been easier. What I would do different is just truly accept that for two weeks I would need to walk around in a bathrobe giving my baby easy access to my boobs and just accept that I couldn't do anything other than that. I would just keep my baby in bed with me and let him eat and sleep when he wanted.
• I wasn't prepared for how often a baby would need/want to breastfeed. Doctors, books, people tell you every two to three hours -- yes, that would've been nice and easier to handle -- but for a newborn you never know what they are going to want and it's okay if they want to breastfeed all the time. If I had known this I wouldn't have been worried for a second that all he wanted was to be attached to me and that's okay. He's a baby who wants to be close to mamma. 
• I didn't need newborn size clothes for my newborn. He grew out of it in two weeks and it's easier to throw on a larger size onesie than a snug fitting one. 
• I wasn't prepared to be so hungry. Your hunger really and truly increases while breast feeding. 
• I didn't realize my ass would get so flat.
• I didn't realize that breast feeding would hurt so much if I didn't learn how to have Bruno do it correctly and I didn't realize that this wasn't just 100% instinctual.  There is strategy.
• I didn't realize that diapers can't always protect a little boy from getting completely wet from his piss and that I would be changing onesie's like I do diapers.
• I wasn't prepared to have such bad posture from constantly breastfeeding.
• I wasn't prepared for the deep and true exhaustion of breastfeeding every two to three hours 24/7 for a month. I now go to sleep between 8 and 9pm and wake up again at 11:30-1am, again between 3-4:40am, and then we wake up for morning coffee between 6-7am. 
• I wasn't prepared to give up my night routine of watching a movie with my husband and being able to eat dinner together.
• I totally wasn't prepared for Bruno not sleeping at night in any of the four different types of bassinets we have for him and that getting him to sleep alone would be impossible. He currently is starting to sleep in a little bed in the middle of our bed but I have to dangle my boob inside for him to suck on as he falls asleep. This also doesn't always work and some nights he's right back next to me with his face in my boobs. he doesn't seem tho have any problem breathing like that, or sleeping on his side.
• I wasn't prepared for the fact that this blog post is taking me almost three hours to write and now that Bruno is finally napping I'll have to take this opportunity to go eat something before he wakes up and wants to breastfeed and be on my chest again.
• Most amazingly and importantly, I wasn't prepared for how much happiness and love this baby would add to our lives. My world is more balanced and in perspective it feels. I want for different things that seem more important than previous more frivolous and vain desires. After having my own baby I fear at the thought of how many abandoned children there are in the world and it validates even more my thoughts of adopting a child. They are so beautiful, so loving, so soft and  vulnerable. My heart goes out to all the children who don't have a family to love and hold them.