Nothing can prepare a woman for the exhaustion a new mother endeavors upon with her newborn . . . because it's not just from the hours spent nursing and being awake . . .it's also from the exhaustion of fear, shock, the unknown, the most awful thoughts that what if something happens to your little baby and you have no idea what to do to fix it.
My husband and I got released from the hospital after a great first night with Bruno. I, utterly tired and dysfunctional after his 40 hour birth was able to have immediate skin to skin with him -- even breast feeding -- and then Massi had skin to skin with him for another half hour or so -- and then I held him again and breast fed. So we were confident after his first night of successful breast feeding and him sleeping on his daddy's chest for five hours that the first night home would be smooth. I didn't take into account our fear.
We arrived home around 6pm Thursday and I really don't remember what happened until Massi and I discovered upon going to sleep that Bruno was not going to sleep alone for the life of him. We found ourselves changing diapers, putting on onsies, and not knowing what he should wear. What was appropriate for him to sleep in without putting him at risk. We found ourselves playing musical chairs between the bed, the bassinet, the changing table, the rocking chair, his outfits and I just at one point said, "Stop. We are the ones who are fussy, not the baby. At the hospital everything was set up catered for a new born. Here at home we are unfamiliar with our baby products. We don't even have the right size swaddle blanket to wrap him in. He can feel our insecurity."
My husband looked at me and said, "You're right. We are the ones who are agitating him." This recognition helped, but we ended up with Bruno sleeping from my chest to his chest every two three hours or so - and this night time game is only just starting to improve. Yesterday, I laid on my bed alone in an effort for a moment's rest and the bed was shaking from the instability of my energy. I've had so much blood loss, energy loss, and complicated emotions oscillating between uncontrollable love and fear mixed together. I honestly thought I might love my husband a little less after the baby was born, only because the love for Bruno would be so immense, but I love my husband even more because of what we went through and accomplished together - and then on top of that, I look into the eyes of my son who stares at me like no one has ever gazed into my eyes, and who sucks on my breasts with a passion no one has ever transmitted to me and it's just so overwhelming.
The second day home I lay in my bed with tears falling from my eyes in fear of thinking the unthinkable - "what if something happened to Bruno?" Especially after a forty hour labor and a ten month pregnancy - to bring him into this life was the biggest commitment of my life I've ever made - and the natural antithesis to life exists with each breathing second. My husband said to me yesterday, "like you've always told me Jordana, you can choose to see the fearful side of things or you can be in the moment and choose the positive. Let's just enjoy these moments together." I was crying in a deep hormonal exhaustion, already worried about next week when my husband will have to go back to work.
It's a roller coaster ride like none I've ever embarked before, and each day with my energy increasing and hormones gradually returning back to decency it gets easier. I don't want to paint a negative picture of pain or struggle because it doesn't fall into that category. It's a fire of love you eagerly walk into because the love heals the pain - because the burn is more real than anything else that exists in this life. "Who feels it knows it lord" (Bob Marley).
No comments:
Post a Comment