Baby Love Light

My Baby Bruno is now 5 weeks old and almost three pounds heavier than his birth weight. He is starting to be more cognizant, awake during the day, and curious about his surroundings.

I don't have as much time to write anymore because Bruno's grandparents are gone and I only get a few hours a day when Bruno will actually sleep in his bassinet for a substantial period of time. When this happens I have to choose between writing, cleaning, preparing food for myself, or taking care of domestic household needs.

I do have to surrender to the fact that the house is a bit messier and dirtier than usual. And I've completely given up thinking that I "should" be able to get "things done." The only thing getting done is taking care of Bruno's needs. Once I accepted that my life became less stressful. My husband works twelve hours a day, five days per week -- but I'm happy to say that the initial fear I felt over "doing this" alone is gone. I've regained my strength and overall just got used to be a mom. I never get frustrated by Bruno's crying, fussiness or cranky moments. Believe you me, I've had my fair share - it's his turn to let life drive him nuts emotionally. I know he needs me to be his calming lotion, so that's what I am. It won't last forever and I already miss it. The love light you feel waking up and looking into his eyes is magnanimous. A grand example is how my husband's caution of "just having a second baby" has already disappeared. At first he felt, "We need to have more money saved." "We need this . . . we need that . . . " But after five weeks of baby love light he said to me this morning, "Bruno is so unbelievable! I love this little boy so much," while holding Bruno with extended arms like an offering to God, "We need to have a second one; but let's wait two years, or one and a half. It will be a good time for you as well."

Of course I've always told him that this would be the way to go, and he always got pissed. I was pressuring him. I was rushing through things like I always did. I just wanted what I wanted without thinking it through. And now he understands that this was not the case at all. There are just some things in life you don't need to over think, you just need to do. Sometimes solutions don't emerge until you've stepped into the problem. Most of my life I've chosen action over thinking, or experience over waiting for the perfect moment. You learn as you go and you will never learn unless you go. When I first started this baby business I felt lost, scared, and completely alone. I cried multiple times while sitting at my table amongst a heap of doctor's paperwork or hand outs. I didn't understand any of the tests, the language, the process, my changing hormones or psychotic eating patterns. I still thought "you ate for two people," I still thought that having natural birth was the scariest thing in the world. I still thought that doing anything other than laying on a hospital bed on my back to have a baby would be super strange - I mean when have you ever seen on t.v. or in a movie something other than that? I had never thought that taking an epidural would also mean exposing my baby to the drug -- basically, I had never thought about anything.

I'm happy to know that I did it. It took a lot of studying, research and second, third, fourth opinions from many different types of doctors. Most importantly it took inner strength to stand alone and believe in myself.